Seriously. Laying out in bikinis in the parking lot is totally Whiskey Tango.**
Also, I'd appreciate it if you could keep your incessant giggling to a minimum. It is especially annoying when you're showing out to the chlamydia twins (my other downstairs neighbors) by taking it up a decibel or 12. Your inept attempt at "flirting" is painfully transparent, not to mention awkward. (Think: dorky Mathlete asking the head cheerleader to the prom on the latest episode of MTV's MADE. Yeah. It's that bad.)
So simma down bitches, k? Thanks.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE,
C
**Whiskey Tango = a family favorite. Whiskey = White. Tango = Trash. It allows for the ability to discuss white trashiness whilst in earshot of those earning said title. Learn it. Use it. Love it. You're welcome.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Thursday, February 5, 2009
I'm sorry bitches. I know it's been a while. I've been working my ass off. Things happen. But I have been thinking about you.
Like when I was threatened by a bitch for doing my job. That was awesome. Thought of you then.
Or during the holidays when Sandra "The Semi-Ho" Lee from the Food Network managed to make an entire Christmas dinner with 8 packs of McCormick Pot Roast Seasoning and 3 tubs of Cool Whip. Then, too.
But I was inspired this week, friends. Inspired by the little brother I never had. Andy. I ran into him before class the other day and he informed me that his job now has a rule about how he's allowed to wear his hat.
Ok a few things you need to be privy of before I go on:
1. Andy is straight out of the ATL 'burbs. He's got more swagger than this town has ever seen. The amount of confidence he exudes is palpable. Yet, he is as humble as they come. His style reflects these qualities accordingly. (Andy--->)
2. Andy works at an effing BAR. Not like a swanky Martini bar where there are uniforms and $25 drinks. Nay, nay friend. We're talking about a bar that l.i.t.e.r.a.l.l.y has a TROUGH for guys to piss in out back. A TROUGH. 3rd world country style.
The bar has informed him that he is allowed to wear his hat straight forward or backwards. Nothing inbetween. Apparently "customers complained."
?? WTF? Seriously? Who would actually take the time to complain about that shit? We live in a college town, where the average age of their patrons is probably 19. Moreover, those patrons are more concerned with getting drunk/laid/roofied than the way one of their bouncers dresses. Shut the fuck up. Nobody complained. You, Mr. Manager, are just an anal fucktard with a grudge.
Mr. Manager, do you have a small penis? Did your mom not hug you as a child? Are you experiencing the averse effects of that gonorrhea/herpes/viral hepatitis triple-cocktail trifecta you caught from banging the underage sluts trying to illegally get into your bar? :( Well I'm sorry. I'm sorry Andy's swagger intimidates you. I'm sorry he's cooler at 21 than you are at 30, or will ever be for that matter. Let the man wear his fucking hat as he sees fit. And shut the fuck up, bitch.
As always: no shit I'm biased. Andy is my boy and always will be. He is my family while I'm here at school. He'll be my family when I leave this shithole. But regardless of who was at the crux of this new "rule," it's straight-up discrimination. What part of "you're dressing too urban" sounds anywhere close to appropriate? Yes, it's his business, and he can do what he wants. There's no blatant injustice for Andy to fight and win on. That being said, it doesn't make Mr. Manager any less of a cocksucker.
Like when I was threatened by a bitch for doing my job. That was awesome. Thought of you then.
Or during the holidays when Sandra "The Semi-Ho" Lee from the Food Network managed to make an entire Christmas dinner with 8 packs of McCormick Pot Roast Seasoning and 3 tubs of Cool Whip. Then, too.
But I was inspired this week, friends. Inspired by the little brother I never had. Andy. I ran into him before class the other day and he informed me that his job now has a rule about how he's allowed to wear his hat.
Ok a few things you need to be privy of before I go on:
1. Andy is straight out of the ATL 'burbs. He's got more swagger than this town has ever seen. The amount of confidence he exudes is palpable. Yet, he is as humble as they come. His style reflects these qualities accordingly. (Andy--->)
2. Andy works at an effing BAR. Not like a swanky Martini bar where there are uniforms and $25 drinks. Nay, nay friend. We're talking about a bar that l.i.t.e.r.a.l.l.y has a TROUGH for guys to piss in out back. A TROUGH. 3rd world country style.
The bar has informed him that he is allowed to wear his hat straight forward or backwards. Nothing inbetween. Apparently "customers complained."
?? WTF? Seriously? Who would actually take the time to complain about that shit? We live in a college town, where the average age of their patrons is probably 19. Moreover, those patrons are more concerned with getting drunk/laid/roofied than the way one of their bouncers dresses. Shut the fuck up. Nobody complained. You, Mr. Manager, are just an anal fucktard with a grudge.
Mr. Manager, do you have a small penis? Did your mom not hug you as a child? Are you experiencing the averse effects of that gonorrhea/herpes/viral hepatitis triple-cocktail trifecta you caught from banging the underage sluts trying to illegally get into your bar? :( Well I'm sorry. I'm sorry Andy's swagger intimidates you. I'm sorry he's cooler at 21 than you are at 30, or will ever be for that matter. Let the man wear his fucking hat as he sees fit. And shut the fuck up, bitch.
As always: no shit I'm biased. Andy is my boy and always will be. He is my family while I'm here at school. He'll be my family when I leave this shithole. But regardless of who was at the crux of this new "rule," it's straight-up discrimination. What part of "you're dressing too urban" sounds anywhere close to appropriate? Yes, it's his business, and he can do what he wants. There's no blatant injustice for Andy to fight and win on. That being said, it doesn't make Mr. Manager any less of a cocksucker.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
my inaugural bitch.
hi friends.
after much thought & deliberation (and some loving nudges from a few of my dear, sweet ones) i have decided to start a blog. about bitches.
people bitch all the effing time. i know i'm not the only one to give the sideways-eye-glance to an ally during a required meeting on your only day off. you know the glance. that recognition of having to stay 15 minutes longer than you'd planned because some dumb bitch decided to wax eloquently about their retribution needs for having to replace the toner in the copier again, or some other bitch suggesting to have a meeting about the meeting because they "just don't like how it's going... " ugh.
that being said, bitching isn't limited to the workplace. there's always that dumb bitch who complains that there's too much salad dressing on her side ceasar. or that bitch at the bar who's had (gasp!) three cosmos, keeps refering to herself as "the charlotte" of the group, and can't stop bitching about her boyfriend refusing to meet her parents. "we've been dating for two months! it's just dinner!" no bitch. it isn't just dinner. shut the fuck up.
bitches are everywhere.
that being said, if you're going to bitch, and the rest of the free world has to hear you bitch, you totally deserve to get called out on it. enter yours truly.
admittedly, i will be bitching about people bitching... i'll probably even do my fair share of bitching about people simply being fucktards. but i'd like to think that there's a universal appreciation of circular writing, and who doesn't appreciate those full-circle moments. (feel special. i don't bust out the compound adjectives for just anyone...)
as a disclaimer, i'm not planning on using this forum as my personal mysogynistic soap box. on the contrary. bitches aren't limited to women. i've heard just as bad - if not worse- amounts o' bitching from dudes. this is an equal opportunity site. i will call you on your shit. bitch.
so that about sums things up. i'm sure i won't have to wait long for a lil inspiration for my next post.
happy bitching, lovers!
xoxo,
care
after much thought & deliberation (and some loving nudges from a few of my dear, sweet ones) i have decided to start a blog. about bitches.
people bitch all the effing time. i know i'm not the only one to give the sideways-eye-glance to an ally during a required meeting on your only day off. you know the glance. that recognition of having to stay 15 minutes longer than you'd planned because some dumb bitch decided to wax eloquently about their retribution needs for having to replace the toner in the copier again, or some other bitch suggesting to have a meeting about the meeting because they "just don't like how it's going... " ugh.
that being said, bitching isn't limited to the workplace. there's always that dumb bitch who complains that there's too much salad dressing on her side ceasar. or that bitch at the bar who's had (gasp!) three cosmos, keeps refering to herself as "the charlotte" of the group, and can't stop bitching about her boyfriend refusing to meet her parents. "we've been dating for two months! it's just dinner!" no bitch. it isn't just dinner. shut the fuck up.
bitches are everywhere.
that being said, if you're going to bitch, and the rest of the free world has to hear you bitch, you totally deserve to get called out on it. enter yours truly.
admittedly, i will be bitching about people bitching... i'll probably even do my fair share of bitching about people simply being fucktards. but i'd like to think that there's a universal appreciation of circular writing, and who doesn't appreciate those full-circle moments. (feel special. i don't bust out the compound adjectives for just anyone...)
as a disclaimer, i'm not planning on using this forum as my personal mysogynistic soap box. on the contrary. bitches aren't limited to women. i've heard just as bad - if not worse- amounts o' bitching from dudes. this is an equal opportunity site. i will call you on your shit. bitch.
so that about sums things up. i'm sure i won't have to wait long for a lil inspiration for my next post.
happy bitching, lovers!
xoxo,
care
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